I Eat Music

Apparently there’s some soap opera on TV called ‘X-Factor’, which loosely follows a story line examining what the music industry could be like if everyone in the world went insane. Anyway, in a strange crossover between reality and hideous fantasy, the cast of the show have recorded a single, a cover of Michael Jackson’s ‘You Are Not Alone’, which has gone straight to number one.

Also new in the top ten is American pop singer-songwriter Jason Derulo with his debut single, ‘Watcha Say’ at three. Everything else in the top ten has fallen at least one place this week, except ‘Bad Romance’ by Lady Gaga, which is up three places at number eight.

The story is much the same in the rest of the chart – everyone seems to be falling ever closer to the oblivion that is number 41. However, there are some new entries, with Alesha Dixon in at fifteen with ‘To Love Again’, Peter Kay’s Animated Allstars at eighteen with ‘The Official Children In Need Medley’, 50 Cent with ‘Baby By Me’ at 23, Shakira with ‘Did It Again’ at 26, Taken By Trees’ charming cover of ‘Sweet Child O Mine’ at 38 and finally, Agnes with ‘I Need You Now’ at 40.

Over in the album chart, Leona Lewis sees off those dull scamps JLS, barring them from spending more than seven days at the top of the chart by firmly plonking her second album, ‘Echo’, there instead. Meanwhile, at number three, ‘Absolute Greatest’ by Queen is also new, N-Dubz’s new album is at six and Will Young’s greatest hits compilation comes in at nine to complete the new entries in the top ten.

Moving on, The Stereophonics are new at eleven, with their helpfully-titled new album ‘Keep Calm And Carry On’, Them Crooked Vultures, with their massively disappointing eponymous debut, are at thirteen, Ronan Keating’s collection of songs for the winter, ‘Winter Songs’, is at sixteen, The Carpenters are one place ahead of 50 Cent’s new album, with both at 21 and 22 respectively, while Norah Jones follows close behind at 24. And last, but certainly not good, are Foster & Allen at 34 with ‘Sing A Million Sellers’, and John Mayer at 35 with ‘Battle Studies’.

The charts are often discovered smoking behind the bike sheds by The Official Charts Company.

Yes, it’s one of CMU’s very favourite festivals this coming weekend, the early Summer little brother of the mighty Bestival. The three-day Camp Bestival is well and truly one for all the family – think village fete meets music festival. In a castle. Music wise, Bestival-chief Rob da Bank has once again got together an eclectic array of top quality bands and artists for your enjoyment. Here Team CMU picks ten of its favourites to offer you at home a Camp Bestival CMU-Tube selection.

01: Baddies – Battleships
Let’s kick things off with a solid rock track, shall we? This track shows off everything we love about the still buzzy Baddies: it’s loud, slightly odd and a little bit poppy. The video also matches this description. Plus, it might give you motion sickness, which is a great way to start things off, I think you’ll agree.

02: Dan Black – Yours
I’ve always said that the problem with most music videos these days is that they don’t have enough people with massive guns for heads in them. Thankfully, this one goes some way to rectifying that. “I don’t wanna be yours no more”, says Dan. And nothing says “It’s over” like having a massive gun for a head.

03: Florence And The Machine – Dog Days Are Over
We love Florence And The Machine, and we don’t care who knows it. That lady has quite a voice on her. She also knows how to have a weird party in the woods, as this video proves.

04: Laura Marling – Ghosts
Laura Marling also has a good voice, but she keeps it quieter that Florence. By which I mean she’s sings quietly, not badly. This video features a nice combination of Fuzzy Felt and digital animation. And Fuzzy Felt is another thing too often lacking in music videos these days.

05: Micachu And The Shapes – Lips
The thing about Micachu And The Shapes is that they sound like they’ve just stumbled across some instruments and decided to have a go at playing them. In a good way. Possibly. I’ve still not made my mind up, to be honest. All the more reason to check them out at Camp Bestival.

06: Phoenix – If I Ever Feel Better
This song came out nearly ten years ago, and in that time has carved itself a special little place in my internal jukebox. There’s something comforting about its chorus that means I don’t mind when it revolves endlessly around my head. It’s nicer when the whole song is played properly all the way through, though.

07: PJ Harvey – C’mon Billy
Do I need to say anything about this? It’s Peej. She is good. This song is obviously quite old now, and I probably should have picked something a little newer. But, hey, it’s a good song and she’ll almost certainly play it at Camp Bestival.

08: Roots Manuva – Witness 1 Hope
How have I never seen this video before? It is a work of genius. Still reeling from the fact that he came last in every event he entered at his school sports day when he was aged nine, Roots decides to get in shape and have another crack at proving his sporting prowess. I won’t spoil it by saying any more.

09: Tinchy Stryder – Number 1
When this single was released it went straight to number one in the singles chart. We feared that if it stopped being in that position it could bring about the end of the universe. It didn’t though. Everything was fine.

10: Will Young – Leave Right Now
This is going to do little for my hyper cool image, but this is one of my favourite music videos ever. Pop acts don’t tend to make good videos (I refer you to the previous Tinchy Stryder video), but this is a major exception. All filmed in one shot, the visuals and lyrics combine to tell a story. I like stories.

Now you’ve read the blurbs, find out what we’re banging on about by actually watching the videos, here:

For more CMU-Tube stuff, go to www.theCMUwebsite.com/tube. And to check out all things Camp Bestival at www.campbestival.net.

Now, you know me, I’m not one for being cynical, but Lady GaGa was in the press a lot last week, talking about how she used to be a drug addict, how she loves being naked, how she used to be a stripper, and so on. And now her single, ‘Poker Face’, is at number one, despite it being awful. But I’m not saying those things are connected, after all, that single has been rising up the charts for weeks. It’s like the charts were in the olden days, when you could get to number one just with sheer persistence. And I guess Christina Aguilera not being around much at the moment helps, too.

Anyway, GaGa’s at number one, then Flo Rida holds fast at number two (don’t worry, I’m not about to suggest that Pete Burns suffering kidney failure has helped him, it’s just a very catchy tune), and the two Comic Relief singles, the Bryden/Jones’ cover of ‘Islands In The Stream’ and The Saturdays’ cover of ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’, drop to three and four respectively. Beyonce, meanwhile, breaks into the top ten, stopping at number nine with her new single ‘Halo’, despite it not being officially released as a single yet.

Outside the top 10, La Roux just misses out, hitting 11 with ‘In For The Kill’, as do the Pet Shop Boys, who make it to 14 with ‘Love Etc’. Another single not officially released for a few weeks yet, AR Rahman and The Pussycat Dolls’ collaboration for the ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ soundtrack, ‘Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny)’, is at 20. Franz Ferdinand’s new single, ‘No You Girls’, rises from 52 to 27, though with it being featured on the new iPhone ad, I’d expect to see it go higher this Sunday (it’s certainly got itself stuck in my head). And rounding off this week’s new entries, Enrique Iglesias and Ciara stop at 30 with ‘Takin’ Back My Love’.

Over to the album chart now, and U2 have quite embarrassingly been knocked off the number one spot (and right down to number six) by Ronan Keating’s tribute album to his mother. An album coincidentally released the same week as Mothering Sunday. Mums don’t like U2, they like ballads. Everyone knows that. Which will be why Bette Midler has risen from number 21 to number nine this week, and Lionel Richie is another new entry at 10. CMU Weekly’s recent competition prize for the mums of readers, Barry Manilow’s ‘Greatest Songs Of The 80s’ faired less well, only making it to number 22 – though possibly because people were waiting to see if they’d won it before buying it, rather than the fact that Manilow’s 80s covers only serve to remind you that the originals were much better.

Probably not a new entry powered by mums is Pete(r) Doherty’s new solo album, ‘Grace/Wastelands’, which goes it at 17. You have to travel right down at the bottom of the chart for this week’s final new entry, ‘My One And Only Thrill’ by Melody Gardot at number 40, but before that there are some re-entries worth noting. Following an actually quite good edition of ‘The South Bank Show’ on Will Young, the singer’s latest album, ‘Let It Go’, is back in the chart at 30, Enrique Iglesias’ ‘Greatest Hits’ is boosted by his new single, making it to 36, and another possibly mum-fuelled purchase, Luther Vandross’ ‘Lovesongs’ compilation (originally released for Valentine’s Day) is back in at 38. In between the last two is Michael Jackson’s ‘King Of Pop’ compilation, proving that he might be able to sell out the O2 Dome 50 times over, but people are more interested in seeing a freakshow than listening to his music. Possibly.

The chart is written on Post-It Notes and stuck on the wall by The Official Charts Company

This article originally appeared in CMU Daily on 23 Mar 2009