I Eat Music

I’m not a big fan of Lady Gaga, I’m not sure if I’ve made that clear at any point this year, but it does always fill me with a warm glow when an artist makes a slow climb to the number one position. It’s like the olden days when everything was much better and there was no war or sadness in the world. And these days, spending seven weeks on the chart before hitting the top counts as a slow climb.

Back in the olden days, I would now have spent a whole paragraph questioning whether or not she could hold out for another week and get the Christmas number one (you know, when I was seven years old and writing about this stuff). But we both know that’s not going to happen, so I won’t waste any valuable space on such things. Let’s just say, Rage Against The Machine fans will be pleased to know that the X-Factor winner’s single is one of the most boring pieces of music ever recorded.

Lady Gaga’s ascension to the top does mean that ‘The Official Children In Need Medley’ has now slipped to number two. So Gaga is now officially responsible for children continuing to be in need. Next time you see a child in need, just remind them of that.

There’s just one new entry in this week’s top ten, a track by Chuckie & LMFAO which you may know as ‘Let The Bass Kick In Miami Bitch’, or ‘Let The Bass Kick In Miami Beach’, or ‘Let The Bass Kick In Miami Girl’, or ‘Let The Bass Kick In Miami’, or just ‘Let The Bass Kick’. Whatever you’re favoured title for the track, it’s at number eight.

There are three other new entries on the whole chart. They are these: Terry Wogan & Aled Jones with the double-A side ‘Silver Bells/Me And My Teddy Bear’ at 27, ‘Ego’ by The Saturdays at 35, and Wham!’s Christmas classic, ‘Last Christmas’ at 39. The other two Christmas singles on the chart are currently fairing better, with The Pogues’ ‘Fairytale Of New York’ at eighteen and Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ at nineteen.

The album chart is really, really boring this week, so I reckon we can get it done in just one sentence. Susan Boyle is still at number one and new entries this week come from Bette Midler’s best of at 26, 30 Seconds To Mars with ‘This Is War’ at 31, and Seal’s ‘Hits’ at 37. Yep, I was right.

In fact, all of this week’s charts are so dull that, while announcing them on Radio 1, Reggie Yates had to be constantly slapped by people from The Official Charts Company.

Hallelujah! There’s a new number one. Last year’s ‘X-Factor’ winner Alexandra Burke has gone straight to the top of the singles chart with her second single, ‘Bad Boys’, which feature bonus rap-style vocalisations by Flo Rida. Not only has it shot straight to number one, but the single has racked up the highest first week sales this year, selling 185,000 copies, more than double the amount shifted by the previous holder of that crown, Dizzee Rascal with ‘Bonkers’.

Alexandra is followed by another new entry at number two, Robbie Williams with ‘Bodies’. There have been some who’ve said that this (ie second place) means Robbie’s big comeback has been a flop. But in any other week, 90,000 sales would have comfortably put him at the top and everyone would have clapped and said how great it was that Robbie is back on top. So be quiet for the moment, will you?

Look, here’s what The Official Charts Company’s MD, Martin Talbot had to say: “To have two such strong singles in one week is phenomenal and demonstrates how many people are passionate about great records”. I’m not sure “great” is quite the right word, but you get the point.

Also new in the top ten is Michael Buble at nine with ‘Haven’t Met You Yet’, while in the rest of the top 40 other new entries come from (deep breath) Lostprophets with ‘It’s Not The End Of The World But I Can See It From Here’ at 16, Mr Hudson with ‘White Lies’ at 20, Editors with ‘Papillon’ at 23, Black Eyed Peas with ‘Meet Me Halfway’ at 26, The Big Pink with ‘Dominos’ at 29, Jennifer Hudson with ‘And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going’ at 32, and Medina with ‘You And I’ at 39.

It’s all change at the top of the album chart, too. Editors have kicked like a sleep twitch all the way to number one with their third album, ‘In This Light And On This Evening’, while Chipmunk steps up to number two with his debut, ‘I Am Chipmunk’. Shakira, meanwhile, is new at four with ‘She Wolf’ and The Saturdays complete the top ten’s new entries for this week with ‘Wordshaker’ at nine.

Moving on, Taio Cruz goes straight in at 14 with his debut, ‘Rokstarr’, crap-puntastic choir Only Men Aloud are at 21 with ‘Band Of Brothers’, Amy Winehouse’s god daughter Dionne Bromfield is in at 33 with ‘Introducing’, The Veronicas are in at 35 with ‘Hook Me Up”, Blake are at 38 with ‘Together’, and bringing up the rear is Bob Dylan with his dubious Christmas album, ‘Christmas In The Heart’. This is probably fitting, as all the Christmas decorations seem to have gone up in London this weekend. Apparently this isn’t painfully premature at all.

The charts are decked with boughs of holly by The Official Charts Company.

Why have just one new entry at the top of the singles chart when you can have two? That’s what I always say. Well, let’s pretend I do for the purposes of the opening sentence of this week’s Chart Update. Chipmunk has gone straight to number one this week, closely followed by The Saturdays, who are in at number two. Last week’s number one, Taio Cruz, has dropped down to number four.

Other than that, the top ten is pretty dull, so let’s not talk about it. Let’s talk about Daughtry, who are up 28 places to number eleven, just ahead of this week’s highest new entry outside the top ten, Whitney Houston, who’s at twelve with ‘Million Dollar Bill’. There’s then quite a gap before another new entry makes an appearance, Mumford & Sons at 24. Next is Jason Mraz at 30, and then it’s Daniel Merriweather who is apparently ‘new’ at 35. Though I’m not sure you can really call a single that spent a very long time in the top ten earlier this year new exactly.

Readers of the CMU Weekly might remember a recent editorial where I said I was looking forward to the day when the album chart was full of old people, because the young folk were busy elsewhere putting out records that were too cool and exciting to be classed as traditional ‘albums’. Well look, it’s happening. Well, the chart’s filling up with old people, anyway. I’ll have a look for all the cool and exciting new music formats later. Barbara Streisand is a new number one, Madonna is at number two, Cliff Richard & The Shadows are are number four, Vera Lynn is at number five, Chris Rea is a new entry at eight, as is Andy Williams at ten. In fact, the only people under thirty in the top ten are Paramore and Dizzee Rascal.

Outside the top ten, the new entries are a little more youthful. Mumford & Sons are at eleven, deadmau5 is at nineteen, followed by Tiesto at 20. Kiss – who are definitely not youthful – are at 24, also not spring chickens are Air at 36, and the positively geriatric Backstreet Boys are at 39.

The charts are compiled by old people for old people at the Official Charts Company

Now, you know me, I’m not one for being cynical, but Lady GaGa was in the press a lot last week, talking about how she used to be a drug addict, how she loves being naked, how she used to be a stripper, and so on. And now her single, ‘Poker Face’, is at number one, despite it being awful. But I’m not saying those things are connected, after all, that single has been rising up the charts for weeks. It’s like the charts were in the olden days, when you could get to number one just with sheer persistence. And I guess Christina Aguilera not being around much at the moment helps, too.

Anyway, GaGa’s at number one, then Flo Rida holds fast at number two (don’t worry, I’m not about to suggest that Pete Burns suffering kidney failure has helped him, it’s just a very catchy tune), and the two Comic Relief singles, the Bryden/Jones’ cover of ‘Islands In The Stream’ and The Saturdays’ cover of ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’, drop to three and four respectively. Beyonce, meanwhile, breaks into the top ten, stopping at number nine with her new single ‘Halo’, despite it not being officially released as a single yet.

Outside the top 10, La Roux just misses out, hitting 11 with ‘In For The Kill’, as do the Pet Shop Boys, who make it to 14 with ‘Love Etc’. Another single not officially released for a few weeks yet, AR Rahman and The Pussycat Dolls’ collaboration for the ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ soundtrack, ‘Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny)’, is at 20. Franz Ferdinand’s new single, ‘No You Girls’, rises from 52 to 27, though with it being featured on the new iPhone ad, I’d expect to see it go higher this Sunday (it’s certainly got itself stuck in my head). And rounding off this week’s new entries, Enrique Iglesias and Ciara stop at 30 with ‘Takin’ Back My Love’.

Over to the album chart now, and U2 have quite embarrassingly been knocked off the number one spot (and right down to number six) by Ronan Keating’s tribute album to his mother. An album coincidentally released the same week as Mothering Sunday. Mums don’t like U2, they like ballads. Everyone knows that. Which will be why Bette Midler has risen from number 21 to number nine this week, and Lionel Richie is another new entry at 10. CMU Weekly’s recent competition prize for the mums of readers, Barry Manilow’s ‘Greatest Songs Of The 80s’ faired less well, only making it to number 22 – though possibly because people were waiting to see if they’d won it before buying it, rather than the fact that Manilow’s 80s covers only serve to remind you that the originals were much better.

Probably not a new entry powered by mums is Pete(r) Doherty’s new solo album, ‘Grace/Wastelands’, which goes it at 17. You have to travel right down at the bottom of the chart for this week’s final new entry, ‘My One And Only Thrill’ by Melody Gardot at number 40, but before that there are some re-entries worth noting. Following an actually quite good edition of ‘The South Bank Show’ on Will Young, the singer’s latest album, ‘Let It Go’, is back in the chart at 30, Enrique Iglesias’ ‘Greatest Hits’ is boosted by his new single, making it to 36, and another possibly mum-fuelled purchase, Luther Vandross’ ‘Lovesongs’ compilation (originally released for Valentine’s Day) is back in at 38. In between the last two is Michael Jackson’s ‘King Of Pop’ compilation, proving that he might be able to sell out the O2 Dome 50 times over, but people are more interested in seeing a freakshow than listening to his music. Possibly.

The chart is written on Post-It Notes and stuck on the wall by The Official Charts Company

This article originally appeared in CMU Daily on 23 Mar 2009

You know how it is, you wait a couple of years for a Comic Relief single and then two come along at once. And it’s lucky, too, because while The Saturdays’ Depeche Mode cover failed to reach number one last week, Rob Bryden and Ruth Jones’ cover of The Bee Gees’ ‘Islands In The Stream’ has cracked it – with a little help from Tom Jones and Robin Gibb. It seems actually starring in a popular TV show, rather than having two former members of a spin-off of another band who had a popular TV series, is the way to go. If only because it’s easier to type. The Saturdays are still at number three, though, so it’s not perhaps as gloomy as I may have made out.

In other new entries on the singles chart news, Oasis are at number ten with ‘Falling Down’ and September is at 14 with ‘Can’t Get Over’, while Katy Perry rises from 42 to 27 with ‘Thinking Of You’, Leona Lewis is back in the top 40 with her cover of Snow Patrol’s ‘Run’ at 32, Metro Station step up from 54 to 37 with ‘Shake It’ and Annie Lennox brings yet another cover into this week’s top 40, with her version of Ash’s ‘Shining Light’ moving from 50 to 39.

Over in the album chart, U2 remain at number one, even though the single ‘Get On Your Boots’ has now crashed out of the charts. Meanwhile, things are a bit new entry-tastic below with, with Annie Lennox in at two, Kelly Clarkson at three, Taylor Swift at five, Faryl at six, Michael Ball at 11, The Dubliners at 16, The Everly Brothers at 23, Starsailor at 26 and Lee Mead at 39.

The charts are compiled by the Official Charts Company

This article originally appeared in CMU Daily on 16 Mar 2009