I Eat Music

Apparently there’s some soap opera on TV called ‘X-Factor’, which loosely follows a story line examining what the music industry could be like if everyone in the world went insane. Anyway, in a strange crossover between reality and hideous fantasy, the cast of the show have recorded a single, a cover of Michael Jackson’s ‘You Are Not Alone’, which has gone straight to number one.

Also new in the top ten is American pop singer-songwriter Jason Derulo with his debut single, ‘Watcha Say’ at three. Everything else in the top ten has fallen at least one place this week, except ‘Bad Romance’ by Lady Gaga, which is up three places at number eight.

The story is much the same in the rest of the chart – everyone seems to be falling ever closer to the oblivion that is number 41. However, there are some new entries, with Alesha Dixon in at fifteen with ‘To Love Again’, Peter Kay’s Animated Allstars at eighteen with ‘The Official Children In Need Medley’, 50 Cent with ‘Baby By Me’ at 23, Shakira with ‘Did It Again’ at 26, Taken By Trees’ charming cover of ‘Sweet Child O Mine’ at 38 and finally, Agnes with ‘I Need You Now’ at 40.

Over in the album chart, Leona Lewis sees off those dull scamps JLS, barring them from spending more than seven days at the top of the chart by firmly plonking her second album, ‘Echo’, there instead. Meanwhile, at number three, ‘Absolute Greatest’ by Queen is also new, N-Dubz’s new album is at six and Will Young’s greatest hits compilation comes in at nine to complete the new entries in the top ten.

Moving on, The Stereophonics are new at eleven, with their helpfully-titled new album ‘Keep Calm And Carry On’, Them Crooked Vultures, with their massively disappointing eponymous debut, are at thirteen, Ronan Keating’s collection of songs for the winter, ‘Winter Songs’, is at sixteen, The Carpenters are one place ahead of 50 Cent’s new album, with both at 21 and 22 respectively, while Norah Jones follows close behind at 24. And last, but certainly not good, are Foster & Allen at 34 with ‘Sing A Million Sellers’, and John Mayer at 35 with ‘Battle Studies’.

The charts are often discovered smoking behind the bike sheds by The Official Charts Company.

Everyone gets all excited about the Christmas number one, but we never hear anything about the Easter number one, do we? It would make more sense for the latter to be the big one. After all, Easter always falls on a Sunday, unlike Christmas with its stubborn insistence of sticking to the same date, rather than a day of the week.

So, with much drum-rolling and trumpet-tooting, here is the 2009 Easter Number One… It’s Calvin Harris with ‘I’m Not Alone’. Two gold stars and a big chocolate egg to Calvin, who goes straight in at the top and knocks that woman we don’t talk about down to number two.

Also new this week are Ciara and Justin Timberlake at six with ‘Love Sex Magic’, Liverpool Collective and The KOP Choir, whose release of ‘Fields Of Anfield Road’ to mark the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster goes in at 16, Britney Spears, who rises up from last week’s 45 to this week’s 35 with the thinly-veiled swearing of ‘If U Seek Amy’, and Bat For Lashes, who reaches 36 with ‘Daniel’, which isn’t nearly high enough. Sort it for next week, everyone.

Over in the album chart, number one is, you know, her. Number two is a new entry from Doves, and at number five Bat For Lashes’ new album gets a much more respectable chart position than her single. Although given the album’s brilliance, it should really be given its own chart so it doesn’t have to go anywhere near the likes of Ronan Keating and Akon, who might get it dirty. It could maybe be joined by Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ new album, which is also a new entry at nine.

Carole King’s newly reissued collection of classic songs not performed quite as well as all the people who covered them, ‘Tapestry’, is another new entry at 12, as is X Factor loser Eoghan Quigg at 14 (who has written no classic songs, nor performed anyone else’s better than the original). Moving further down, Neil Young is straight in at 22 with ‘Fork In The Road’, and Ultravox’s best of is in at 35. On the re-entry front, The Specials’ best of is in at 26, and Jason Mraz’s ‘We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things’ pokes up its head at 40.

The chart dies on Friday and is reborn on Sunday with the help of The Official Charts Company.

This article originally appeared in CMU Daily on 14 Apr 2009

Lady GaGa is still number one in the singles chart. Let’s not even talk about that.

Let’s talk about Noisettes, who are at number two, because that’s actually quite exciting. After years of slogging it out, winning people over with their storming live show, and releasing their much underrated debut album, ‘What’s The Time, Mr Wolf?’, things finally seem to be paying off. Of course, it helps that the single that’s doing it for them, ‘Don’t Upset The Rhythm’, is a great pop song that sticks in your head without being annoying (for an example of the opposite, see the aforementioned Lady GaGa).

Also up in the top ten this week, after a couple of weeks of loitering at the lower end of the chart, are Metro Station with ‘Shake It’. Apparently it is possible to reconcile the combination of punk rock tattoos and very mainstream pop, though I can’t look at the video for that particular single without entering some kind of stylistic feedback loop in my head.

Moving down the singles chart, other new entries come from Steve Angello and Laidback Luke at 12, Lily Allen, with ‘Not Fair’, at 16, KIG’s quite stunning badly named ‘Head, Shoulders, Kneez & Toez’, which moves from 41 last week into the chart proper at 18, White Lies, who are up from 84 to 34 with ‘Farewell To The Fairground’, and Jennifer Hudson, who moves from 54 to 37 with ‘If This Isn’t Love’.

Over in the album chart, the Pet Shop Boys, as predicted, suffered from having their album released three days early on iTunes and only made it to number four with ‘Yes’, despite being well ahead in the early midweeks. Which means that Ronan Keating’s tribute album to his mum remains in the top spot for a second week, while Kings Of Leon go up one place to number two, and Lady GaGa goes up to three from seven.

In terms of new entries, aside from the Pet Shop Boys, the album chart is a little bottom heavy this week. Röyksopp go in at 21 with ‘Junior’, Pearl jam’s remixed and remastered edition of their debut album, ‘Ten’, goes in at 29, Ladyhawke’s really very good debut album re-enters the chart at 32, matching its previous highest position, and Mastodon’s new album, ‘Crack The Skye’, is in just below at 34.

The charts are compiled by The Official Charts Company. The clue is in the name.

This article originally appeared in CMU Daily on 30 Mar 2009

Now, you know me, I’m not one for being cynical, but Lady GaGa was in the press a lot last week, talking about how she used to be a drug addict, how she loves being naked, how she used to be a stripper, and so on. And now her single, ‘Poker Face’, is at number one, despite it being awful. But I’m not saying those things are connected, after all, that single has been rising up the charts for weeks. It’s like the charts were in the olden days, when you could get to number one just with sheer persistence. And I guess Christina Aguilera not being around much at the moment helps, too.

Anyway, GaGa’s at number one, then Flo Rida holds fast at number two (don’t worry, I’m not about to suggest that Pete Burns suffering kidney failure has helped him, it’s just a very catchy tune), and the two Comic Relief singles, the Bryden/Jones’ cover of ‘Islands In The Stream’ and The Saturdays’ cover of ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’, drop to three and four respectively. Beyonce, meanwhile, breaks into the top ten, stopping at number nine with her new single ‘Halo’, despite it not being officially released as a single yet.

Outside the top 10, La Roux just misses out, hitting 11 with ‘In For The Kill’, as do the Pet Shop Boys, who make it to 14 with ‘Love Etc’. Another single not officially released for a few weeks yet, AR Rahman and The Pussycat Dolls’ collaboration for the ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ soundtrack, ‘Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny)’, is at 20. Franz Ferdinand’s new single, ‘No You Girls’, rises from 52 to 27, though with it being featured on the new iPhone ad, I’d expect to see it go higher this Sunday (it’s certainly got itself stuck in my head). And rounding off this week’s new entries, Enrique Iglesias and Ciara stop at 30 with ‘Takin’ Back My Love’.

Over to the album chart now, and U2 have quite embarrassingly been knocked off the number one spot (and right down to number six) by Ronan Keating’s tribute album to his mother. An album coincidentally released the same week as Mothering Sunday. Mums don’t like U2, they like ballads. Everyone knows that. Which will be why Bette Midler has risen from number 21 to number nine this week, and Lionel Richie is another new entry at 10. CMU Weekly’s recent competition prize for the mums of readers, Barry Manilow’s ‘Greatest Songs Of The 80s’ faired less well, only making it to number 22 – though possibly because people were waiting to see if they’d won it before buying it, rather than the fact that Manilow’s 80s covers only serve to remind you that the originals were much better.

Probably not a new entry powered by mums is Pete(r) Doherty’s new solo album, ‘Grace/Wastelands’, which goes it at 17. You have to travel right down at the bottom of the chart for this week’s final new entry, ‘My One And Only Thrill’ by Melody Gardot at number 40, but before that there are some re-entries worth noting. Following an actually quite good edition of ‘The South Bank Show’ on Will Young, the singer’s latest album, ‘Let It Go’, is back in the chart at 30, Enrique Iglesias’ ‘Greatest Hits’ is boosted by his new single, making it to 36, and another possibly mum-fuelled purchase, Luther Vandross’ ‘Lovesongs’ compilation (originally released for Valentine’s Day) is back in at 38. In between the last two is Michael Jackson’s ‘King Of Pop’ compilation, proving that he might be able to sell out the O2 Dome 50 times over, but people are more interested in seeing a freakshow than listening to his music. Possibly.

The chart is written on Post-It Notes and stuck on the wall by The Official Charts Company

This article originally appeared in CMU Daily on 23 Mar 2009