I Eat Music

Good news, charity fans, Peter Kay is still at number one with his Children In Need-supporting single, ‘The Official Children In Need Medley’. Meanwhile, the uncharitable Rihanna moves up from four to two to sit behind him with ‘Russian Roulette’, and Lady Gaga shifts up from five to three with ‘Bad Romance’.

New in the top ten are Alicia Keys at eight and Timbaland at nine, who sit a long way from the chart’s other new entries this week, the first being 30 Seconds To Mars at 28 with ‘Kings And Queens’. After that, Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ makes its obligatory December re-appearance on the chart at 29, while The Pogues’ ‘Fairytale Of New York’ does the same at 31. N-Dubz are in at 32 with their Mr Hudson collaboration, ‘Playing With Fire’, and Lily Allen comes up last in the new entry stakes with ‘Who’d Have Known’ at 39.

Okay, that’s the singles done, I guess we’d better talk about albums. Well, one album, mainly. Because, yes, Susan Boyle is still at number one, and still selling copies of her album in such quantities that we’re able to quote impressive stats at you. She’s not, as far as I know, broken any more records this week, but she does now have the third best selling album of 2009, behind Kings Of Leon and Lady Gaga. Just to put that in perspective, Kings Of Leon’s ‘Only By The Night’ has been on the chart for 63 weeks, and Lady Gaga’s ‘Fame’ has been hanging around for 47 weeks, while Susan Boyle’s ‘I Dreamed A Dream’ has now shifted 700,000 copies in just two weeks.

This week when we shook Official Charts Company boss Martin Talbot awake for a quote, he was a little shorter with us than last week. I think the element of surprise has gone. Next time we’re going to jump out of a bush when he’s not expecting it. Anyway, he said: “Susan Boyle’s debut was historic and we expect ‘The Susan Boyle Effect’ to be felt in the charts for a long time to come yet”.

There are other albums in the Top 40, though. Surprising as it may seem. 39 of them, in fact. Some of them are new entries, and it is they that I will tell of you now. Come hither…

At two, Westlife have scored their twelfth top ten album, ‘Where We Are’. After them, Take That are at three with ‘The Greatest Day: The Circus Live’. At thirteen, the Coldstream Guards Band are new with ‘Heroes’, Andrea Bocelli, with his Christmas album, ‘My Christmas’, is in at eighteen, and Rhydian claws his way in at 25 with ‘O Fortuna’.

The charts are laid out on the floor, then blown away by someone opening the door several times, before being glued down by The Official Charts Company.

The scourge of the ‘X-Factor’ is back, and this year he’s hit them harder than ever before. Last year, Peter Kay managed to get a higher chart position than the previous year’s ‘X-Factor’ winner, Leon Jackson, with a spoof single released by the spoof winner of a spoof version of the so-called talent contest. This year, he’s knocked The X-Factor Finalists off the number one position after just one week. It’s all for charity, though. So that’s fine.

Just in case you’re not following, Peter Kay’s Animated All Star Band have risen seventeen places to take the number one position in this week’s singles chart with ‘The Official BBC Children In Need Medley’, pushing The X Factor Finalists’ cover of Michael Jackson’s ‘You Are Not Alone’, which is raising money for Great Ormond Street Hospital, down to number two.

There are two new entries in this week’s singles top ten. Firstly Rihanna, who goes in at six with ‘Russian Roulette’, and secondly Susan Boyle, whose debut single, a cover of ‘Wild Horses’ by The Rolling Stones, is in at eight. Further down, Mariah Carey’s stupefying awful cover of ‘I Want To Know What Love Is’ is new at nineteen, ‘Telephone’, a random track from Lady Gaga’s re-released and expanded debut album, is in at 30, Chipmunk is new at 36 with ‘Look For Me’, while that Susan Boyle manages a second new entry at 37, with her album’s title track, ‘I Dreamed A Dream’.

Hey, and you’ll never guess what, I’m about to type ‘Susan’ and ‘Boyle’ again, because Susan Boyle’s debut album has gone straight in at number one in the album chart, having sold 410,000 copies and broken all sorts of records. ‘I Dreamed A Dream’ is now the fastest-selling album of the year so far, has the biggest first week sales for a debut album in chart history and also the fourth biggest first week sales for any artist album, behind Oasis’ ‘Be Here Now’, ‘X&Y’ by Coldplay, and Take That’s ‘The Circus’.

In fact, it’s so significant an achievement that we broke into Official Charts Company boss Martin Talbot’s house in the middle of the night and forced him to comment on it. Some would say we could have asked him earlier in the day, given Boyle’s record breaking achievements were clear by yesterday lunchtime, or we could have just taken a generic comment out of a press release, but we play by our own rules. Anyway, Talbot whimpered quietly to us: “Susan Boyle’s achievement is quite phenomenal. After all of the excitement surrounding her appearance on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’, everyone expected her to make a big impact when she released her first music – but to arrive with such a bang is exceptional”.

Moving on, Rihanna’s new album, which would normally be expected to chart at least in the top ten, ends up at sixteen in an embarrassing cluster of new entries, completed by Chris Moyles’ ‘The Parody Album’ at seventeen and ‘Harmony’ by The Priests at eighteen. Also new, and whipped down the chart by Boyle is Mariah Carey, who only makes it to 23 with ‘Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel. Still, she’s already made enough money selling advertising on the artwork for that to not be a worry.

There are yet more new entries huddling down at the bottom of the chart, with Janet Jackson’s new best of compilation reaching 28, and UB40’s compilation of the best tracks from their three ‘Labour Of Love’ covers albums at 30, followed by The Fron Male Voice Choir’s ‘Voices From The Valley: Memory Lane’ at 31, and ‘The Very Best Of Enya’ at 32. Bringing up the rear is Britney Spears with ‘The Singles Collection’ at 38.

And that, for another week, is that.

The charts are sacred and may only be looked at directly by The Official Charts Company

It seems no one can keep hold of that number one spot in the singles chart at the moment. Still, Dizzee Rascal shouldn’t feel too down about only managing a week at the top. If you’re going to be knocked off the top by anyone, there are worse people than a team consisting of Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye West. Oh, and Sugababes, who are a new entry at number two. And David Guetta, who is at three. But fourth is still good, Dizzee. Well done.

Still, if it’s a real chart success story you want, look no further than Kings Of Leon, who are back in the top ten again with ‘Sex On Fire’ this week, at number six. Presumably this sudden leap in sales means that the track is now close to toppling Lady Gaga’s position at the top of the all-time highest download sales chart, which was only published yesterday.

Anyway, moving on. And speaking of Lady Gaga, as we were, she features on Wale’s ‘Chillin’, which is new at 12 this week. A short step down at 16, Booty Luv have another new entry, with ‘Say It’, while Jamie T’s ‘Chaka Demus EP’ is new at 23, and Friendly Fires go in at 30 with ‘Kiss Of Life’.

In the album chart, it seems that talk of chickens and dickheads was enough to keep Arctic Monkeys at number one, fending off a sustained attack from Vera Lynn. There’s something you don’t get to write very often. Yep, it looked for a while like all the kids rushing out to buy ‘We’ll Meet Again: The Very Best Of Vera Lynn’ would outnumber the more aged folk shuffling down to HMV to buy the new Arctic Monkeys album, but it was not to be. Vera did knock David Guetta down to number three, though. So that’s something to be pleased with.

At number four, it’s only those bloody Kings Of Leon again. After fifty weeks on the chart, their fourth album, ‘Only By The Night’, has jumped from 22 to number four this week. It’s probably about time they let someone else have a go. Someone like Noah And The Whale, maybe, who are this week’s highest new entry at 16. Okay, maybe not them. What about Just Jack, who’s also new at 22? Or Sean Paul at 38? Come on Kings Of Leon, get out of the chart and make space for someone else.

In fact, while we’re at it, why don’t we clear out everyone who’s been on the chart for 40 or more weeks? I’m looking at you James Morrison, Beyonce, Pink, Elbow and Abba. And Duffy. Duffy! You’ve been in the top 40 for 70 weeks now. It’s just greedy. Get out.

The charts are reported as cold hard facts and not even changed a little bit to look nicer by the Official Charts Company.

Chris Brown has received his sentence for assaulting ex-girlfriend Rihanna, receiving five years’ probation, 180 days of community service and a year of domestic violence counselling. He was also ordered not to come with 100 yards of Rihanna (except at music industry events), an increase from a previous order of 50 yards, despite calls by the beaten singer and her lawyers to relax this rule.

Brown was due to be sentenced earlier this month, but this was delayed while Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Patricia Snegg awaited confirmation that his community service would involve physical work, which may include road sweeping or collecting litter. Rumours that the judge intended to increase the community service element of the charge to 1400 hours proved incorrect.

Informing Brown of his amended restraining order, the judge also made it clear to him that any violation of this, or any other part of his sentence, may mean time spent in prison. She said: “Any violation of this protective order is a violation of your probation. [The sentence] does come with a potential of state prison if you should violate in any way”.

As previously reported, Brown beat Rihanna unconscious and left her on a pavement in LA during an argument as the couple drove home from a pre-Grammy party in February this year.

Court documents relating to Brown’s probation state that there had been two previous unreported violent episodes in the couple’s relationship. The first in December last year, where Brown pushed Rihanna into a wall after she slapped him, the second, closer to the attack in February, where he reportedly smashed the front and passenger side windows of a Range Rover while they were visiting Barbados, where Rihanna is originally from.

		Alice In Chains guitarist Jerry Cantrell reveals that Elton John plays on one of the band’s new songs: "I wrote Elton an email explaining what that song means to us – that it’s a real, raw openhearted song for [deceased lead singer] Layne [Stayley]. We sent him the track and got a call shortly after saying he thought it was beautiful and that he wanted to play on it. We were blown away"
		Doves may split, or at least never record again, says guitarist Jez Williams: "We almost split up after the last album. It was such hard work and it wasn’t an easy ride for us, and it can’t be like that again, so we’re going to see what happens. I think if there is another Doves album, and we’re not sure at this moment whether there will be – we won’t be staring at a blank canvas"
		Saul Milton, of UK drum n bass types Chase & Status discusses recent recording sessions with Rihanna: "Rihanna got in contact with us after hearing our track ‘Saxon’ and said she wanted a similar thing for her next record. We’ve spent the past few weeks working with her in an undisclosed location. The stuff she’s doing now I would definitely go out and buy myself, it’s a big change"
		Calvin Harris has said he has no time for the London celebrity circuit: "I want to make music. I don’t really party anyway, I don’t drink any more either. I don’t need to party and I’ve actually got too much to do all the time anyway. It’s a subjective thing – one man’s party is another man’s fucking hellhole. There’s a lot of them in London that I just don’t want to be at, at all. Working is my partying"
		Dizzee Rascal reveals that he didn’t punch Prince Harry when he met him backstage at the Wireless festival in July: "Prince Harry came in and was joking around and being a bit cheeky, so I told him, ‘If you weren’t royalty I’d have punched you in the face by now’, and he seemed to like that. He’s a naughty boy, so he fits in. In fact, him and his mates are probably a bit wilder than us"
		Ian Brown’s kids have scuppered a Stone Roses reunion, of sorts, refusing to let their dad include a song by guitarist John Squire on his new solo album: "My sons turned round and said ‘Dad, you can’t work on that. He sold you out, didn’t he?’ John’s manager asked if I liked the tune, and I said: ‘I did, but my sons won’t let me work on it’"

Yep, these quotes came out of the 14 Aug 2009 edition of CMU Weekly. Read that whole bloody thing in its entirety right here.