I Eat Music

The scourge of the ‘X-Factor’ is back, and this year he’s hit them harder than ever before. Last year, Peter Kay managed to get a higher chart position than the previous year’s ‘X-Factor’ winner, Leon Jackson, with a spoof single released by the spoof winner of a spoof version of the so-called talent contest. This year, he’s knocked The X-Factor Finalists off the number one position after just one week. It’s all for charity, though. So that’s fine.

Just in case you’re not following, Peter Kay’s Animated All Star Band have risen seventeen places to take the number one position in this week’s singles chart with ‘The Official BBC Children In Need Medley’, pushing The X Factor Finalists’ cover of Michael Jackson’s ‘You Are Not Alone’, which is raising money for Great Ormond Street Hospital, down to number two.

There are two new entries in this week’s singles top ten. Firstly Rihanna, who goes in at six with ‘Russian Roulette’, and secondly Susan Boyle, whose debut single, a cover of ‘Wild Horses’ by The Rolling Stones, is in at eight. Further down, Mariah Carey’s stupefying awful cover of ‘I Want To Know What Love Is’ is new at nineteen, ‘Telephone’, a random track from Lady Gaga’s re-released and expanded debut album, is in at 30, Chipmunk is new at 36 with ‘Look For Me’, while that Susan Boyle manages a second new entry at 37, with her album’s title track, ‘I Dreamed A Dream’.

Hey, and you’ll never guess what, I’m about to type ‘Susan’ and ‘Boyle’ again, because Susan Boyle’s debut album has gone straight in at number one in the album chart, having sold 410,000 copies and broken all sorts of records. ‘I Dreamed A Dream’ is now the fastest-selling album of the year so far, has the biggest first week sales for a debut album in chart history and also the fourth biggest first week sales for any artist album, behind Oasis’ ‘Be Here Now’, ‘X&Y’ by Coldplay, and Take That’s ‘The Circus’.

In fact, it’s so significant an achievement that we broke into Official Charts Company boss Martin Talbot’s house in the middle of the night and forced him to comment on it. Some would say we could have asked him earlier in the day, given Boyle’s record breaking achievements were clear by yesterday lunchtime, or we could have just taken a generic comment out of a press release, but we play by our own rules. Anyway, Talbot whimpered quietly to us: “Susan Boyle’s achievement is quite phenomenal. After all of the excitement surrounding her appearance on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’, everyone expected her to make a big impact when she released her first music – but to arrive with such a bang is exceptional”.

Moving on, Rihanna’s new album, which would normally be expected to chart at least in the top ten, ends up at sixteen in an embarrassing cluster of new entries, completed by Chris Moyles’ ‘The Parody Album’ at seventeen and ‘Harmony’ by The Priests at eighteen. Also new, and whipped down the chart by Boyle is Mariah Carey, who only makes it to 23 with ‘Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel. Still, she’s already made enough money selling advertising on the artwork for that to not be a worry.

There are yet more new entries huddling down at the bottom of the chart, with Janet Jackson’s new best of compilation reaching 28, and UB40’s compilation of the best tracks from their three ‘Labour Of Love’ covers albums at 30, followed by The Fron Male Voice Choir’s ‘Voices From The Valley: Memory Lane’ at 31, and ‘The Very Best Of Enya’ at 32. Bringing up the rear is Britney Spears with ‘The Singles Collection’ at 38.

And that, for another week, is that.

The charts are sacred and may only be looked at directly by The Official Charts Company

Apparently there’s some soap opera on TV called ‘X-Factor’, which loosely follows a story line examining what the music industry could be like if everyone in the world went insane. Anyway, in a strange crossover between reality and hideous fantasy, the cast of the show have recorded a single, a cover of Michael Jackson’s ‘You Are Not Alone’, which has gone straight to number one.

Also new in the top ten is American pop singer-songwriter Jason Derulo with his debut single, ‘Watcha Say’ at three. Everything else in the top ten has fallen at least one place this week, except ‘Bad Romance’ by Lady Gaga, which is up three places at number eight.

The story is much the same in the rest of the chart – everyone seems to be falling ever closer to the oblivion that is number 41. However, there are some new entries, with Alesha Dixon in at fifteen with ‘To Love Again’, Peter Kay’s Animated Allstars at eighteen with ‘The Official Children In Need Medley’, 50 Cent with ‘Baby By Me’ at 23, Shakira with ‘Did It Again’ at 26, Taken By Trees’ charming cover of ‘Sweet Child O Mine’ at 38 and finally, Agnes with ‘I Need You Now’ at 40.

Over in the album chart, Leona Lewis sees off those dull scamps JLS, barring them from spending more than seven days at the top of the chart by firmly plonking her second album, ‘Echo’, there instead. Meanwhile, at number three, ‘Absolute Greatest’ by Queen is also new, N-Dubz’s new album is at six and Will Young’s greatest hits compilation comes in at nine to complete the new entries in the top ten.

Moving on, The Stereophonics are new at eleven, with their helpfully-titled new album ‘Keep Calm And Carry On’, Them Crooked Vultures, with their massively disappointing eponymous debut, are at thirteen, Ronan Keating’s collection of songs for the winter, ‘Winter Songs’, is at sixteen, The Carpenters are one place ahead of 50 Cent’s new album, with both at 21 and 22 respectively, while Norah Jones follows close behind at 24. And last, but certainly not good, are Foster & Allen at 34 with ‘Sing A Million Sellers’, and John Mayer at 35 with ‘Battle Studies’.

The charts are often discovered smoking behind the bike sheds by The Official Charts Company.

There’s no better way to honour a dead person than to pretend that you can speak to them from beyond the grave on live TV, that’s what I’ve always said. All the better if you can get June Sarpong to host it. So, Sky One have really hit the jackpot for me by announcing two such events.

Set to air next month, ‘Michael Jackson: The Live Séance’ and ‘Michael Jackson: The Search For His Spirit’, will feature minor celebrity medium Derek Acorah speaking (and I use that term loosely) to the dead star.

Sarpong said of the shows: “I think viewers will find this programme intriguing and will want to tune in to see what happens. It’s the first time I’ve done anything like this but I’m open minded and can’t wait to see what Derek uncovers”.

As you can probably tell, I’m a little more sceptical than June. However, if Derek Acorah pretends to be possessed by Michael Jackson, starts talking in a squeaky voice and then moonwalks across the stage, it will be the televisual event of the decade and I will never say a bad word about him again.

Paul Anka has been promised half of the profits from new Michael Jackson single ‘This Is It’, after it was revealed that he co-wrote the song with the star in 1983. The move by the Jackson estate came after Anka threatened legal action.

It seems the pair wrote the song, originally called ‘I Never Heard’, for possible inclusion on Anka’s 1983 album, ‘Walk A Fine Line’. However, Anka told TMZ, after they had finished work on it, Jackson “stole the tapes” from his studio and so it was not included on the album. Despite this, a version of the song was recorded and released by Puerto Rican singer Safire in 1991.

Following Anka’s claims, the Jackson estate quickly acknowledged the singer’s contribution to the single and offered him 50% of the royalties from it, saying in a statement: “The song was picked because the lyrics were appropriate because of the name Michael gave his tour. We are thrilled to present this song in Michael’s voice for the first time and that Michael’s fans have responded in unprecedented numbers”.

Speaking to Associated Press, Anka said: “They did the right thing. I don’t think that anybody tried to do the wrong thing – it was an honest mistake”.

There had previously been press speculation as to exactly when ‘This Is It’ had been originally penned. It’s thought Jackson left over 100 unreleased tracks, but it in a somewhat disorganised way, meaning it maybe hard to identify when songs were from, what they were meant to be called, and who collaborated on them. Unless said collaborators come forward on release, as did Anka.

So, I thought Jay-Z might be able to hold on to the number one slot for more than one week. But no, that position does seem to be very slippery of late and he’s dropped down to number three, making way for Pixie Lott to have a crack at grasping on to the top. There are a couple of new entries vying for position, too. Mika is at four with ‘We Are Golden’, Mini Viva are at seven with ‘Left My Heart In Tokyo’ and Muse are at eight with ‘Uprising’.

Outside the top ten there’s less going on. Shakira is the next new entry at 25, with ‘She Wolf’, while U2 are at 32 with ‘I’ll Go Crazy If I Don’t Go Crazy’, and Livvi Franc closes proceedings, coming in at 40 with ‘Now I’m That Chick (feat. Pitbull)’.

The album chart is just weird this week. Vera Lynn has done what she failed to do last week and knocked Arctic Monkeys of the number one spot. Just in case you didn’t get that: Vera Lynn is at number one. Vera Lyn. Vera. Lynn. At number one. At 92 years old, she is the oldest person to ever hold the position – a full 25 years older than the previous holder, Bob Dylan, who went to the top of the chart at the sprightly age of 67 in May this year.

And if that wasn’t weird enough, The Beatles have four albums in the top ten. Not to allow Vera Lynn to take all the glory, they’ve broken two records, racking up the most number of albums by a group simultaneously in the top ten, which has been held by The Monkees since 1967 (when they had three), and also the most number of albums by an act in the top 60, with sixteen. The previous holder of that record was Elvis, who had 14 albums in the top 60 in 1977, thanks to a Michael Jackson-style mass purchase of his back catalogue following his death.

It’s not all old stuff in the album chart, though. Jamie T’s second album, ‘Kings & Queens’, goes straight in at number two, and The Cribs’ latest offering, ‘Ignore The Ignorant’, their first with former Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr, is also new at eight.

Further down the chart, there are a few non-Beatles new entries in the top 40 (though they do have a further six in addition to the four in the top ten). Beverley Knight is in at 17 with ‘100%’, Frank Turner is at 36 with ‘Poetry Of The Deed’, and Prefab Sprout (still relative newbies compared to The Beatles and Vera Lynn) are in at 39 with ‘Let’s Change The World With Music’.

And I wouldn’t be doing this properly is I didn’t keep you up to date with Mercury nominees’ chart movements. There’s little activity on that front yet, though it’s still less than a week since the award winner was announced. In reverse order, La Roux is at 34, Friendly Fires are at 32, Kasabian are at 16, are Florence And The Machine are at 12, all of which are drops from their positions last week.

The charts are compiled by the understandably quite excited Official Charts Company.