I Eat Music

I’m not a big fan of Lady Gaga, I’m not sure if I’ve made that clear at any point this year, but it does always fill me with a warm glow when an artist makes a slow climb to the number one position. It’s like the olden days when everything was much better and there was no war or sadness in the world. And these days, spending seven weeks on the chart before hitting the top counts as a slow climb.

Back in the olden days, I would now have spent a whole paragraph questioning whether or not she could hold out for another week and get the Christmas number one (you know, when I was seven years old and writing about this stuff). But we both know that’s not going to happen, so I won’t waste any valuable space on such things. Let’s just say, Rage Against The Machine fans will be pleased to know that the X-Factor winner’s single is one of the most boring pieces of music ever recorded.

Lady Gaga’s ascension to the top does mean that ‘The Official Children In Need Medley’ has now slipped to number two. So Gaga is now officially responsible for children continuing to be in need. Next time you see a child in need, just remind them of that.

There’s just one new entry in this week’s top ten, a track by Chuckie & LMFAO which you may know as ‘Let The Bass Kick In Miami Bitch’, or ‘Let The Bass Kick In Miami Beach’, or ‘Let The Bass Kick In Miami Girl’, or ‘Let The Bass Kick In Miami’, or just ‘Let The Bass Kick’. Whatever you’re favoured title for the track, it’s at number eight.

There are three other new entries on the whole chart. They are these: Terry Wogan & Aled Jones with the double-A side ‘Silver Bells/Me And My Teddy Bear’ at 27, ‘Ego’ by The Saturdays at 35, and Wham!’s Christmas classic, ‘Last Christmas’ at 39. The other two Christmas singles on the chart are currently fairing better, with The Pogues’ ‘Fairytale Of New York’ at eighteen and Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ at nineteen.

The album chart is really, really boring this week, so I reckon we can get it done in just one sentence. Susan Boyle is still at number one and new entries this week come from Bette Midler’s best of at 26, 30 Seconds To Mars with ‘This Is War’ at 31, and Seal’s ‘Hits’ at 37. Yep, I was right.

In fact, all of this week’s charts are so dull that, while announcing them on Radio 1, Reggie Yates had to be constantly slapped by people from The Official Charts Company.

Good news, charity fans, Peter Kay is still at number one with his Children In Need-supporting single, ‘The Official Children In Need Medley’. Meanwhile, the uncharitable Rihanna moves up from four to two to sit behind him with ‘Russian Roulette’, and Lady Gaga shifts up from five to three with ‘Bad Romance’.

New in the top ten are Alicia Keys at eight and Timbaland at nine, who sit a long way from the chart’s other new entries this week, the first being 30 Seconds To Mars at 28 with ‘Kings And Queens’. After that, Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ makes its obligatory December re-appearance on the chart at 29, while The Pogues’ ‘Fairytale Of New York’ does the same at 31. N-Dubz are in at 32 with their Mr Hudson collaboration, ‘Playing With Fire’, and Lily Allen comes up last in the new entry stakes with ‘Who’d Have Known’ at 39.

Okay, that’s the singles done, I guess we’d better talk about albums. Well, one album, mainly. Because, yes, Susan Boyle is still at number one, and still selling copies of her album in such quantities that we’re able to quote impressive stats at you. She’s not, as far as I know, broken any more records this week, but she does now have the third best selling album of 2009, behind Kings Of Leon and Lady Gaga. Just to put that in perspective, Kings Of Leon’s ‘Only By The Night’ has been on the chart for 63 weeks, and Lady Gaga’s ‘Fame’ has been hanging around for 47 weeks, while Susan Boyle’s ‘I Dreamed A Dream’ has now shifted 700,000 copies in just two weeks.

This week when we shook Official Charts Company boss Martin Talbot awake for a quote, he was a little shorter with us than last week. I think the element of surprise has gone. Next time we’re going to jump out of a bush when he’s not expecting it. Anyway, he said: “Susan Boyle’s debut was historic and we expect ‘The Susan Boyle Effect’ to be felt in the charts for a long time to come yet”.

There are other albums in the Top 40, though. Surprising as it may seem. 39 of them, in fact. Some of them are new entries, and it is they that I will tell of you now. Come hither…

At two, Westlife have scored their twelfth top ten album, ‘Where We Are’. After them, Take That are at three with ‘The Greatest Day: The Circus Live’. At thirteen, the Coldstream Guards Band are new with ‘Heroes’, Andrea Bocelli, with his Christmas album, ‘My Christmas’, is in at eighteen, and Rhydian claws his way in at 25 with ‘O Fortuna’.

The charts are laid out on the floor, then blown away by someone opening the door several times, before being glued down by The Official Charts Company.

The scourge of the ‘X-Factor’ is back, and this year he’s hit them harder than ever before. Last year, Peter Kay managed to get a higher chart position than the previous year’s ‘X-Factor’ winner, Leon Jackson, with a spoof single released by the spoof winner of a spoof version of the so-called talent contest. This year, he’s knocked The X-Factor Finalists off the number one position after just one week. It’s all for charity, though. So that’s fine.

Just in case you’re not following, Peter Kay’s Animated All Star Band have risen seventeen places to take the number one position in this week’s singles chart with ‘The Official BBC Children In Need Medley’, pushing The X Factor Finalists’ cover of Michael Jackson’s ‘You Are Not Alone’, which is raising money for Great Ormond Street Hospital, down to number two.

There are two new entries in this week’s singles top ten. Firstly Rihanna, who goes in at six with ‘Russian Roulette’, and secondly Susan Boyle, whose debut single, a cover of ‘Wild Horses’ by The Rolling Stones, is in at eight. Further down, Mariah Carey’s stupefying awful cover of ‘I Want To Know What Love Is’ is new at nineteen, ‘Telephone’, a random track from Lady Gaga’s re-released and expanded debut album, is in at 30, Chipmunk is new at 36 with ‘Look For Me’, while that Susan Boyle manages a second new entry at 37, with her album’s title track, ‘I Dreamed A Dream’.

Hey, and you’ll never guess what, I’m about to type ‘Susan’ and ‘Boyle’ again, because Susan Boyle’s debut album has gone straight in at number one in the album chart, having sold 410,000 copies and broken all sorts of records. ‘I Dreamed A Dream’ is now the fastest-selling album of the year so far, has the biggest first week sales for a debut album in chart history and also the fourth biggest first week sales for any artist album, behind Oasis’ ‘Be Here Now’, ‘X&Y’ by Coldplay, and Take That’s ‘The Circus’.

In fact, it’s so significant an achievement that we broke into Official Charts Company boss Martin Talbot’s house in the middle of the night and forced him to comment on it. Some would say we could have asked him earlier in the day, given Boyle’s record breaking achievements were clear by yesterday lunchtime, or we could have just taken a generic comment out of a press release, but we play by our own rules. Anyway, Talbot whimpered quietly to us: “Susan Boyle’s achievement is quite phenomenal. After all of the excitement surrounding her appearance on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’, everyone expected her to make a big impact when she released her first music – but to arrive with such a bang is exceptional”.

Moving on, Rihanna’s new album, which would normally be expected to chart at least in the top ten, ends up at sixteen in an embarrassing cluster of new entries, completed by Chris Moyles’ ‘The Parody Album’ at seventeen and ‘Harmony’ by The Priests at eighteen. Also new, and whipped down the chart by Boyle is Mariah Carey, who only makes it to 23 with ‘Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel. Still, she’s already made enough money selling advertising on the artwork for that to not be a worry.

There are yet more new entries huddling down at the bottom of the chart, with Janet Jackson’s new best of compilation reaching 28, and UB40’s compilation of the best tracks from their three ‘Labour Of Love’ covers albums at 30, followed by The Fron Male Voice Choir’s ‘Voices From The Valley: Memory Lane’ at 31, and ‘The Very Best Of Enya’ at 32. Bringing up the rear is Britney Spears with ‘The Singles Collection’ at 38.

And that, for another week, is that.

The charts are sacred and may only be looked at directly by The Official Charts Company

Apparently there’s some soap opera on TV called ‘X-Factor’, which loosely follows a story line examining what the music industry could be like if everyone in the world went insane. Anyway, in a strange crossover between reality and hideous fantasy, the cast of the show have recorded a single, a cover of Michael Jackson’s ‘You Are Not Alone’, which has gone straight to number one.

Also new in the top ten is American pop singer-songwriter Jason Derulo with his debut single, ‘Watcha Say’ at three. Everything else in the top ten has fallen at least one place this week, except ‘Bad Romance’ by Lady Gaga, which is up three places at number eight.

The story is much the same in the rest of the chart – everyone seems to be falling ever closer to the oblivion that is number 41. However, there are some new entries, with Alesha Dixon in at fifteen with ‘To Love Again’, Peter Kay’s Animated Allstars at eighteen with ‘The Official Children In Need Medley’, 50 Cent with ‘Baby By Me’ at 23, Shakira with ‘Did It Again’ at 26, Taken By Trees’ charming cover of ‘Sweet Child O Mine’ at 38 and finally, Agnes with ‘I Need You Now’ at 40.

Over in the album chart, Leona Lewis sees off those dull scamps JLS, barring them from spending more than seven days at the top of the chart by firmly plonking her second album, ‘Echo’, there instead. Meanwhile, at number three, ‘Absolute Greatest’ by Queen is also new, N-Dubz’s new album is at six and Will Young’s greatest hits compilation comes in at nine to complete the new entries in the top ten.

Moving on, The Stereophonics are new at eleven, with their helpfully-titled new album ‘Keep Calm And Carry On’, Them Crooked Vultures, with their massively disappointing eponymous debut, are at thirteen, Ronan Keating’s collection of songs for the winter, ‘Winter Songs’, is at sixteen, The Carpenters are one place ahead of 50 Cent’s new album, with both at 21 and 22 respectively, while Norah Jones follows close behind at 24. And last, but certainly not good, are Foster & Allen at 34 with ‘Sing A Million Sellers’, and John Mayer at 35 with ‘Battle Studies’.

The charts are often discovered smoking behind the bike sheds by The Official Charts Company.

Oh look, The Black Eyed Peas are number one again. After eight weeks on the chart, ‘Meet Me Halfway’ has wormed its way to the top, denying Leona Lewis the chance to go straight in at number one with ‘Happy’. She’ll never get that opportunity again, Peas. Not with that song, anyway. Why do you have to ruin everything?

Urgh, let’s just look at the rest of the chart and try to forget what Will.i.am et al have done. If we can. Other new entries in the top ten come from N-Dubz at five, Britney Spears at seven, and Sugababes at eight.

Further down, Robbie has a new entry at seventeen, with album track, ‘You Know Me’ (possibly a hint at what’s coming up in the second half of this chart update), Pixie Lott is in at 25 with ‘Cry Me Out’, and Chartjackers fail to really live up to their name by stopping at 36 with ‘I’ve Got Nothing’.

Now, albums. We heard all last week that Robbie Williams was well on the way to going straight in at number one with his new album, ‘Reality Killed The Video Star’, so it will come as no surprise to you when I tell you that JLS are this week’s number one. That’s right, JLS. Come on, I know Robbie’s not actually very good at singing, but he doesn’t deserve that. He is at number two, though, beating Snow Patrol into third place. Both Robbie and JLS shifted over 200K units to secure their chart positions, making last week a rather big one in terms of album sales.

Also new amongst the top selling LPs are Biffy Clyro at eight and Rod Stewart at ten. Below them, Jamie Cullum is in at sixteen, Miley Cyrus just behind at seventeen, and Shirley Bassey at 20. Below that, everyone has fallen at least one place (except Lady Gaga, who’s sticking at 36), making them all failures in my eyes.

The charts are packed full of failure and disappointment by The Official Charts Company.