I Eat Music

You’ll no doubt have noticed this morning that the grass is still green, the sky is still blue and, most importantly, the universe has not collapsed in on itself. This can mean only one thing: Tinchy Stryder is still at number one with ‘Number 1′. In fact, just to be extra sure that existence as we know it stays safe, none of the top six singles in the top 40 have changed their position, and all ten singles in the top 10 are the same ones that were there last week. There’s no real need for such caution, as it’s Tinchy who holds the key to all our destinies, but you’ve got to admire the effort there.

Outside the top 10 very little has gone on either. Despite being the catchiest song to be released (at the very least) this year, ‘She’s Got Me Dancing’ by Tommy Sparks has only managed to break into the chart at 22. The only other significant change is that Soulja Boy has risen from 63 to 30 with ‘Kiss Me Thru The Phone’, which has already been a number one hit for him in the States and isn’t set to be released physically until 16 Jun.

In the album chart, Bob Dylan is taking Tinchy’s lead and sticking to the number one spot. No need to worry about his movement bringing about the end of the world, though. The fact that he’s made it to number one at all caused a few waves in that area, but all seems fine now.

There are also a couple of new entries in the album top 10. Ciara is in at nine and Yusuf is in at 10. The Maccabees, meanwhile, just miss out by reaching 13, Gallows are in at 20, and The Horrors, despite all the hype and the likes of Nicky Wire and Trent Reznor coming out in favour of them, only make 25. And so ends this week’s lesson.

The charts are compiled by the mystical secret society known as The Official Charts Company.

Everyone gets all excited about the Christmas number one, but we never hear anything about the Easter number one, do we? It would make more sense for the latter to be the big one. After all, Easter always falls on a Sunday, unlike Christmas with its stubborn insistence of sticking to the same date, rather than a day of the week.

So, with much drum-rolling and trumpet-tooting, here is the 2009 Easter Number One… It’s Calvin Harris with ‘I’m Not Alone’. Two gold stars and a big chocolate egg to Calvin, who goes straight in at the top and knocks that woman we don’t talk about down to number two.

Also new this week are Ciara and Justin Timberlake at six with ‘Love Sex Magic’, Liverpool Collective and The KOP Choir, whose release of ‘Fields Of Anfield Road’ to mark the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster goes in at 16, Britney Spears, who rises up from last week’s 45 to this week’s 35 with the thinly-veiled swearing of ‘If U Seek Amy’, and Bat For Lashes, who reaches 36 with ‘Daniel’, which isn’t nearly high enough. Sort it for next week, everyone.

Over in the album chart, number one is, you know, her. Number two is a new entry from Doves, and at number five Bat For Lashes’ new album gets a much more respectable chart position than her single. Although given the album’s brilliance, it should really be given its own chart so it doesn’t have to go anywhere near the likes of Ronan Keating and Akon, who might get it dirty. It could maybe be joined by Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ new album, which is also a new entry at nine.

Carole King’s newly reissued collection of classic songs not performed quite as well as all the people who covered them, ‘Tapestry’, is another new entry at 12, as is X Factor loser Eoghan Quigg at 14 (who has written no classic songs, nor performed anyone else’s better than the original). Moving further down, Neil Young is straight in at 22 with ‘Fork In The Road’, and Ultravox’s best of is in at 35. On the re-entry front, The Specials’ best of is in at 26, and Jason Mraz’s ‘We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things’ pokes up its head at 40.

The chart dies on Friday and is reborn on Sunday with the help of The Official Charts Company.

This article originally appeared in CMU Daily on 14 Apr 2009

Now, you know me, I’m not one for being cynical, but Lady GaGa was in the press a lot last week, talking about how she used to be a drug addict, how she loves being naked, how she used to be a stripper, and so on. And now her single, ‘Poker Face’, is at number one, despite it being awful. But I’m not saying those things are connected, after all, that single has been rising up the charts for weeks. It’s like the charts were in the olden days, when you could get to number one just with sheer persistence. And I guess Christina Aguilera not being around much at the moment helps, too.

Anyway, GaGa’s at number one, then Flo Rida holds fast at number two (don’t worry, I’m not about to suggest that Pete Burns suffering kidney failure has helped him, it’s just a very catchy tune), and the two Comic Relief singles, the Bryden/Jones’ cover of ‘Islands In The Stream’ and The Saturdays’ cover of ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’, drop to three and four respectively. Beyonce, meanwhile, breaks into the top ten, stopping at number nine with her new single ‘Halo’, despite it not being officially released as a single yet.

Outside the top 10, La Roux just misses out, hitting 11 with ‘In For The Kill’, as do the Pet Shop Boys, who make it to 14 with ‘Love Etc’. Another single not officially released for a few weeks yet, AR Rahman and The Pussycat Dolls’ collaboration for the ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ soundtrack, ‘Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny)’, is at 20. Franz Ferdinand’s new single, ‘No You Girls’, rises from 52 to 27, though with it being featured on the new iPhone ad, I’d expect to see it go higher this Sunday (it’s certainly got itself stuck in my head). And rounding off this week’s new entries, Enrique Iglesias and Ciara stop at 30 with ‘Takin’ Back My Love’.

Over to the album chart now, and U2 have quite embarrassingly been knocked off the number one spot (and right down to number six) by Ronan Keating’s tribute album to his mother. An album coincidentally released the same week as Mothering Sunday. Mums don’t like U2, they like ballads. Everyone knows that. Which will be why Bette Midler has risen from number 21 to number nine this week, and Lionel Richie is another new entry at 10. CMU Weekly’s recent competition prize for the mums of readers, Barry Manilow’s ‘Greatest Songs Of The 80s’ faired less well, only making it to number 22 – though possibly because people were waiting to see if they’d won it before buying it, rather than the fact that Manilow’s 80s covers only serve to remind you that the originals were much better.

Probably not a new entry powered by mums is Pete(r) Doherty’s new solo album, ‘Grace/Wastelands’, which goes it at 17. You have to travel right down at the bottom of the chart for this week’s final new entry, ‘My One And Only Thrill’ by Melody Gardot at number 40, but before that there are some re-entries worth noting. Following an actually quite good edition of ‘The South Bank Show’ on Will Young, the singer’s latest album, ‘Let It Go’, is back in the chart at 30, Enrique Iglesias’ ‘Greatest Hits’ is boosted by his new single, making it to 36, and another possibly mum-fuelled purchase, Luther Vandross’ ‘Lovesongs’ compilation (originally released for Valentine’s Day) is back in at 38. In between the last two is Michael Jackson’s ‘King Of Pop’ compilation, proving that he might be able to sell out the O2 Dome 50 times over, but people are more interested in seeing a freakshow than listening to his music. Possibly.

The chart is written on Post-It Notes and stuck on the wall by The Official Charts Company

This article originally appeared in CMU Daily on 23 Mar 2009