I Eat Music

So, you’ll all remember that Alexandra Burke broke the record for the year’s highest first week sales last week, but this week another ‘X-Factor’ affiliated single has smashed that record. In case you’re somehow not already aware of Cheryl Cole’s phenomenal success with her debut solo single, let’s just have a quick recap.

Burke sold 185,000 copies of her second single, ‘Bad Boys (featuring Flo Rida)’ last week, more than double the sales of the number two single, ‘Bodies’ by Robbie Williams. But then along came Cheryl Cole with ‘Fight For This Love’ and sold more than 120,000 copies in just one day. By Sunday she had shifted 290,000, putting her firmly at number one. And all this despite the fact that it’s one of the weakest pop singles of the year.

Official Charts Company overlord Martin Talbot told CMU: “Many congratulations to Cheryl Cole on her fantastic achievement. Other than ‘X-Factor’ winners, very few singles get anywhere near 300,000 sales in their first week. In doing just that this week, Cheryl has shown just what a favourite she is with the British music-buying public”.

Alexandra Burke has slipped down to number two, while Robbie is way down at four behind Chipmunk, who’s a non-mover at three. The only other new entry in the top ten is the War Child supporting ‘I Got Soul’ by Young Soul Rebels, which I’m not going to comment on because it’s for charity. Let’s just say, I haven’t bought it.

Outside the top ten, Cobra Starship are at seventeen with ‘Good Girls Go Bad’, Alphabeat are at 20 with ‘The Spell’, Foo Fighters are at 22 with ‘Wheels’, Christina Aguilera is at 25 with ‘Hurt’, Calvin Harris is at 30 with ‘Flashback’, and Paulo Nutini is at 33 with ‘Pencil Full Of Lead’.

Wooo, it’s all go in the album charts. Hold on to your hats, people, because most of the top ten has changed. Sitting at number one is that Alexandra Burke with her debut album, ‘Overcome’. That title, I think, refers to the fact that Cheryl Cole’s album, ‘Three Words’, is out this week and will almost certainly overcome Burke to get to the top of the chart.

Moving on, Michael Buble is at two, Whitney Houston is at three, Seasick Steve is at four, Fleetwood Mac’s latest ‘best of’ is at six, and Spandau Ballet are at seven with their first studio album for twenty years, ‘Once More’.

Meanwhile, Rammstein and Alison Moyet are all cuddled up at sixteen and seventeen respectively, Whitney Houston’s ‘Ultimate Collection’ is at 22 and Mr Hudson is at 25. The rest of the chart is boring, so I won’t even mention it. Basically, everything’s fallen or stayed where it was last week.

The charts are snugly wrapped in cotton wool and pushed out into the world in a boat made from a matchbox by The Official Charts Company.

Now, you know me, I’m not one for being cynical, but Lady GaGa was in the press a lot last week, talking about how she used to be a drug addict, how she loves being naked, how she used to be a stripper, and so on. And now her single, ‘Poker Face’, is at number one, despite it being awful. But I’m not saying those things are connected, after all, that single has been rising up the charts for weeks. It’s like the charts were in the olden days, when you could get to number one just with sheer persistence. And I guess Christina Aguilera not being around much at the moment helps, too.

Anyway, GaGa’s at number one, then Flo Rida holds fast at number two (don’t worry, I’m not about to suggest that Pete Burns suffering kidney failure has helped him, it’s just a very catchy tune), and the two Comic Relief singles, the Bryden/Jones’ cover of ‘Islands In The Stream’ and The Saturdays’ cover of ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’, drop to three and four respectively. Beyonce, meanwhile, breaks into the top ten, stopping at number nine with her new single ‘Halo’, despite it not being officially released as a single yet.

Outside the top 10, La Roux just misses out, hitting 11 with ‘In For The Kill’, as do the Pet Shop Boys, who make it to 14 with ‘Love Etc’. Another single not officially released for a few weeks yet, AR Rahman and The Pussycat Dolls’ collaboration for the ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ soundtrack, ‘Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny)’, is at 20. Franz Ferdinand’s new single, ‘No You Girls’, rises from 52 to 27, though with it being featured on the new iPhone ad, I’d expect to see it go higher this Sunday (it’s certainly got itself stuck in my head). And rounding off this week’s new entries, Enrique Iglesias and Ciara stop at 30 with ‘Takin’ Back My Love’.

Over to the album chart now, and U2 have quite embarrassingly been knocked off the number one spot (and right down to number six) by Ronan Keating’s tribute album to his mother. An album coincidentally released the same week as Mothering Sunday. Mums don’t like U2, they like ballads. Everyone knows that. Which will be why Bette Midler has risen from number 21 to number nine this week, and Lionel Richie is another new entry at 10. CMU Weekly’s recent competition prize for the mums of readers, Barry Manilow’s ‘Greatest Songs Of The 80s’ faired less well, only making it to number 22 – though possibly because people were waiting to see if they’d won it before buying it, rather than the fact that Manilow’s 80s covers only serve to remind you that the originals were much better.

Probably not a new entry powered by mums is Pete(r) Doherty’s new solo album, ‘Grace/Wastelands’, which goes it at 17. You have to travel right down at the bottom of the chart for this week’s final new entry, ‘My One And Only Thrill’ by Melody Gardot at number 40, but before that there are some re-entries worth noting. Following an actually quite good edition of ‘The South Bank Show’ on Will Young, the singer’s latest album, ‘Let It Go’, is back in the chart at 30, Enrique Iglesias’ ‘Greatest Hits’ is boosted by his new single, making it to 36, and another possibly mum-fuelled purchase, Luther Vandross’ ‘Lovesongs’ compilation (originally released for Valentine’s Day) is back in at 38. In between the last two is Michael Jackson’s ‘King Of Pop’ compilation, proving that he might be able to sell out the O2 Dome 50 times over, but people are more interested in seeing a freakshow than listening to his music. Possibly.

The chart is written on Post-It Notes and stuck on the wall by The Official Charts Company

This article originally appeared in CMU Daily on 23 Mar 2009