I Eat Music

Don’t worry, we may be a day short this week, but the universe remains in perfect balance as ‘Number 1′ by Tinchy Stryder remains at number one in the singles chart. The moment it moves off that spot and aligns with another number in the chart it will spark the end times and all that you know and love will be destroyed. So keep buying it if you value anything at all.

La Roux are still at number two, putting up stiff competition and threatening to start the apocalypse. I’m not saying that La Roux’s Elly Jackson is the antichrist, necessarily. But you’ve never seen her and Satan in the same room, have you? Unless Ironik, who has gone straight in at number three with ‘Tiny Dancer’, turns out to be the Devil. It seems reasonable to believe that Jackson and Ironik might have been in the same room together at some point.

Moving away from the impending Judgement Day, let’s look at number 11, which is currently occupied by Girls Aloud, who have moved there from 27. Also making a sizeable move is Miley Cyrus, who is up to 30 from 43, Demi Lovato, who’s up to 35 from 65, The Maccabees are a new entry at 36 with ‘Love You Better’, and Alesha Dixon is back in the chart again, moving from 48 to 37 with ‘Let’s Get Excited’.

Now, there’s exciting news over in the album chart. There’s a new number one, which can mean only one thing – Lady GaGa has finally been knocked off the top spot. Actually she’s been knocked down to number three, because Bob Dylan has gone straight in to number one with his 476th album ‘Together Through Life’, and The Enemy are another new entry at number two with their second album, ‘Music For The People’. Also new in the top ten this week is ‘Doll Domination: The Mini Collection’ at number nine, a new version of The Pussycat Dolls’ latest album with all the filler tracks removed and their track with AR Rahman from the ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ soundtrack added.

Right down at 21 is this week’s only other new entry in the album chart, ‘The Devil You Know’ by Heaven & Hell (aka the 1980-82 line-up of Black Sabbath under a different name), although there are a number of re-entries, with Simply Red’s greatest hits compilation at 29, N-Dubz at 31, Girls Aloud at 33, and Ne-Yo at 36.

The charts are compiled by the devil worshippers working at The Official Charts Company.

Now, you know me, I’m not one for being cynical, but Lady GaGa was in the press a lot last week, talking about how she used to be a drug addict, how she loves being naked, how she used to be a stripper, and so on. And now her single, ‘Poker Face’, is at number one, despite it being awful. But I’m not saying those things are connected, after all, that single has been rising up the charts for weeks. It’s like the charts were in the olden days, when you could get to number one just with sheer persistence. And I guess Christina Aguilera not being around much at the moment helps, too.

Anyway, GaGa’s at number one, then Flo Rida holds fast at number two (don’t worry, I’m not about to suggest that Pete Burns suffering kidney failure has helped him, it’s just a very catchy tune), and the two Comic Relief singles, the Bryden/Jones’ cover of ‘Islands In The Stream’ and The Saturdays’ cover of ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’, drop to three and four respectively. Beyonce, meanwhile, breaks into the top ten, stopping at number nine with her new single ‘Halo’, despite it not being officially released as a single yet.

Outside the top 10, La Roux just misses out, hitting 11 with ‘In For The Kill’, as do the Pet Shop Boys, who make it to 14 with ‘Love Etc’. Another single not officially released for a few weeks yet, AR Rahman and The Pussycat Dolls’ collaboration for the ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ soundtrack, ‘Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny)’, is at 20. Franz Ferdinand’s new single, ‘No You Girls’, rises from 52 to 27, though with it being featured on the new iPhone ad, I’d expect to see it go higher this Sunday (it’s certainly got itself stuck in my head). And rounding off this week’s new entries, Enrique Iglesias and Ciara stop at 30 with ‘Takin’ Back My Love’.

Over to the album chart now, and U2 have quite embarrassingly been knocked off the number one spot (and right down to number six) by Ronan Keating’s tribute album to his mother. An album coincidentally released the same week as Mothering Sunday. Mums don’t like U2, they like ballads. Everyone knows that. Which will be why Bette Midler has risen from number 21 to number nine this week, and Lionel Richie is another new entry at 10. CMU Weekly’s recent competition prize for the mums of readers, Barry Manilow’s ‘Greatest Songs Of The 80s’ faired less well, only making it to number 22 – though possibly because people were waiting to see if they’d won it before buying it, rather than the fact that Manilow’s 80s covers only serve to remind you that the originals were much better.

Probably not a new entry powered by mums is Pete(r) Doherty’s new solo album, ‘Grace/Wastelands’, which goes it at 17. You have to travel right down at the bottom of the chart for this week’s final new entry, ‘My One And Only Thrill’ by Melody Gardot at number 40, but before that there are some re-entries worth noting. Following an actually quite good edition of ‘The South Bank Show’ on Will Young, the singer’s latest album, ‘Let It Go’, is back in the chart at 30, Enrique Iglesias’ ‘Greatest Hits’ is boosted by his new single, making it to 36, and another possibly mum-fuelled purchase, Luther Vandross’ ‘Lovesongs’ compilation (originally released for Valentine’s Day) is back in at 38. In between the last two is Michael Jackson’s ‘King Of Pop’ compilation, proving that he might be able to sell out the O2 Dome 50 times over, but people are more interested in seeing a freakshow than listening to his music. Possibly.

The chart is written on Post-It Notes and stuck on the wall by The Official Charts Company

This article originally appeared in CMU Daily on 23 Mar 2009

Well, it’s all change in the charts this week, with new number ones in both the singles and album countdowns.

In the singles chart, it’s the turn of Kelly Clarkson to go top with her new single ‘My Life Would Suck Without You’, while at number two is Taylor Swift, who rises all the way up from 22. As expected, Lady GaGa has two songs in the top 10 this week, despite both of them featuring her horrible voice. ‘Poker Face’ rises from 15 to three, and ‘Just Dance’ drops from two to six. Also falling this week is Lily Allen, who drops from number one to number five.

Speaking of dropping, my favourite thing this week is U2’s chart position. Having entered at a fairly pitiful 12, ‘Get On Your Boots’ has dropped to 20 this week, despite a week of bombardment by their good friends at the BBC. In your face U2, there’s no excuse for lazy songwriting.

Over in the album chart, our new number one is The Prodigy, which is very pleasing to see. Other than that, there’s little change. Take That’s ‘The Circus’ is up from 16 to eight and AR Rahman’s ‘Slumdog Millionnaire’ soundtrack is up from 35 to 13, but the first new enter after The Prodigy is Erasure’s new singles compilation, ‘Total Pop – The First 40 Hits’, at 21. After that, there’s a bit of a run of them, with Lamb Of God, Joe Bonomassa and Connie Fisher at 25, 26, and 27 respectively.

The charts are compiled and then forgotten about by The Official Charts Company

This article originally appeared in CMU Daily on 2 Mar 2009

So, Lily Allen is still number one in the singles chart, but has she made it the double? Has her second album gone straight in at the top of the album chart? Well, you’ll just have to read on to find out.

With Lily sticking fast in the singles top 10, there’s little movement from anyone else, either. After eight weeks on the chart, Alesha Dixon has crept up to number three, and Shontelle has crept into the top 10, at number 10, after five weeks on the chart with ‘T-shirt’. Meanwhile, doing no creeping whatsoever, The Prodigy have shot straight in at number eight with ‘Omen’.

Other new entries to the singles chart have not reached such heights, however. Morrissey managed to get to just 21 with his new single, ‘I’m Throwing My Arms Around Paris’, despite (or perhaps because of) the promise of a semi-nude shot of him and his band on the single’s artwork. TI and Justin Timberlake enter at 30, the re-release of M.I.A’s ‘Paper Planes’ makes it to 33, still a way off the previous release’s peak of 19, while The Fray enter at 37, and The Killers bring up the rear at 40.

Over to the album chart now and, yes, Lily Allen’s second album has gone straight to the top, bumping the ever-present Kings Of Leon back down to number two. There’s been a bit of a spike for albums with a romantic theme. Can’t think why that would be. UB40’s ‘Love Songs’ jumps from 19 to three, Luther Vandross’s ‘Lovesongs’ is up from 27 to four (so UB40 clearly win the battle of how the words “love” and “songs” should be put together), Bette Midler’s ‘The Best Of Bette’ is up from 32 to six (although, after 19 weeks on the chart, it’s not specifically a Valentine’s release), and Pavarotti’s ‘The Duets’ moves from 15 to 10. Not an event-specific release, but valid nonetheless, The Fray have a new entry at eight, with their album, ‘The Fray’.

Outside the top 10, AR Rahman’s soundtrack for ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ is a new entry at 30, The Airbourne Toxic Event make it to 35, while Robert Plant and Alison Krauss’s ‘Raising Sand’ benefits from the pair’s five Grammy win, re-entering at 38.

The charts are compiled with gay abandon by The Official Chart Company

This article originally appeared in CMU Daily on 16 Feb 2009