I Eat Music

It’s all been about the iPad this week, hasn’t it? Well, not all of it, but certainly some of it. And, in some small part, that has been my fault.

First off, tech blog Pocket-lint asked me to contribute to a feature called How The Apple iPad Will Change The World. I gave my thoughts on what effect it might have on the music industry both before and after the launch.

Then, not content with filling other people’s publications with my words, I went and dedicated my editorial in CMU Weekly to the iPad, as well. Here’s what that looked like:

I do so love an Apple product launch. The hype that always precedes them can only ever mean that the new thing Steve Jobs trots out with will be a big disappointment by comparison.

I suspect that this might be part of the plan, though. People always flock to point out that the latest Apple gadget is pointless, unoriginal and over-priced. And then what happens? Once the products are actually released – with our expectations reduced a little – those devices seem rather cool. And so you have the iPod, the iTunes Store, the iPhone and all the rest. The impact all those things have had is undeniable, despite all the initial naysaying.

Will that be the case with the iPad? Only time will tell. So far its main contribution to the world is to fill Twitter with jokes about “Dom Joly’s new iPhone” and iTampons. It’s certainly not the home computer replacement I was hoping for, and nor am I going to start carrying one around in my bag instead of my iPhone (I’ll still need that for phonecalls, if nothing else). However, if, as I suspect, the iPad turns out to really be the uber-terminal for accessing online content, at home or on the move, it becomes more attractive.

Following their purchase of digital music platform Lala.com late last year, it’s been rumoured Apple might launch a service that would let you store your entire iTunes library online, ready to be accessed from anywhere. If that included films as well as music, and assuming WiFi and mobile internet connections can handle it, you’ve suddenly got a fast, friendly and lightweight way to access all your entertainment content from anywhere.

I’m not entirely sure if that’s something worth having in addition to a laptop. Possibly not. But if you only really use your laptop as an online entertainment centre, well, then why have a laptop at all? And you should never underestimate Apple’s ability to sell something people didn’t think they wanted by the millions. As with all these things, it’s the content that really makes it what it is. All you need is one truly great app to make the iPad a must-have.

Read this edition of CMU Weekly in full here.

I’m not a big fan of Lady Gaga, I’m not sure if I’ve made that clear at any point this year, but it does always fill me with a warm glow when an artist makes a slow climb to the number one position. It’s like the olden days when everything was much better and there was no war or sadness in the world. And these days, spending seven weeks on the chart before hitting the top counts as a slow climb.

Back in the olden days, I would now have spent a whole paragraph questioning whether or not she could hold out for another week and get the Christmas number one (you know, when I was seven years old and writing about this stuff). But we both know that’s not going to happen, so I won’t waste any valuable space on such things. Let’s just say, Rage Against The Machine fans will be pleased to know that the X-Factor winner’s single is one of the most boring pieces of music ever recorded.

Lady Gaga’s ascension to the top does mean that ‘The Official Children In Need Medley’ has now slipped to number two. So Gaga is now officially responsible for children continuing to be in need. Next time you see a child in need, just remind them of that.

There’s just one new entry in this week’s top ten, a track by Chuckie & LMFAO which you may know as ‘Let The Bass Kick In Miami Bitch’, or ‘Let The Bass Kick In Miami Beach’, or ‘Let The Bass Kick In Miami Girl’, or ‘Let The Bass Kick In Miami’, or just ‘Let The Bass Kick’. Whatever you’re favoured title for the track, it’s at number eight.

There are three other new entries on the whole chart. They are these: Terry Wogan & Aled Jones with the double-A side ‘Silver Bells/Me And My Teddy Bear’ at 27, ‘Ego’ by The Saturdays at 35, and Wham!’s Christmas classic, ‘Last Christmas’ at 39. The other two Christmas singles on the chart are currently fairing better, with The Pogues’ ‘Fairytale Of New York’ at eighteen and Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ at nineteen.

The album chart is really, really boring this week, so I reckon we can get it done in just one sentence. Susan Boyle is still at number one and new entries this week come from Bette Midler’s best of at 26, 30 Seconds To Mars with ‘This Is War’ at 31, and Seal’s ‘Hits’ at 37. Yep, I was right.

In fact, all of this week’s charts are so dull that, while announcing them on Radio 1, Reggie Yates had to be constantly slapped by people from The Official Charts Company.

Simon Cowell has spoken out against the campaign to get Rage Against The Machine’s ‘Killing In The Name’ to Christmas number one instead of the debut single from whoever wins this year’s ‘X-Factor’. He seemed to suggest that the campaign would do little to harm him, but might upset the eventual ‘X-Factor’ winner who has worked so very, very hard to get where they are today.

Of course the cynic in me is whispering that Cowell’s outburst might be a clever ploy to generate more interest in both singles and raise a bit of extra cash for the entertainment group he works with, Sony (whose subsidiaries both released and published ‘Killing In The Name’, as well as working on ‘X-Factor’ winners signed to Cowell’s SyCo label). If that’s the case, I probably shouldn’t even be writing about this. But the teenager in me is screaming that it would be funny if Rage Against The Machine got to number one with their sweariest track. I just don’t know who to trust.

Anyway, at a press conference yesterday, reports The Guardian, Cowell said: “If there’s a campaign, and I think the campaign’s aimed directly at me, it’s stupid. Me having a number one record at Christmas is not going to change my life particularly. I think it’s quite a cynical campaign geared at me that is actually going to spoil the party for these three ['X-Factor' finalists]“.

It is, of course, fairly unlikely that Zack De La Rocha and the boys will beat the ‘X-Factor’ machine, but with more than half a million people signed up to the Facebook group where the campaign is being organised, it could give it a run for its money. Last year, a similar campaign (similar largely in that the real winners were also Sony Music and publishing company Sony/ATV) to get Jeff Buckley’s version of ‘Hallelujah’ to the top spot did result in a number two position for the song. However, Alexandra Burke’s sales of 576,000 units were just too high for anyone to hold back.

Okay, so if everyone in that Facebook group actually buys a copy of ‘Killing In The Name’, it could happen (previous ‘X-Factor’ winners have got the Christmas number one with a lot less than half a million sales). But, as anyone who’s ever done any direct marketing, or organised a guestlist, or tried to sell counterfeit drugs via spam email will tell you, they won’t. What we really need to cross our fingers for is a complete lack of interest in whoever wins the ‘X-Factor’, meaning their sales don’t get anywhere near matching those of Burke’s debut.

Speaking of the crappy pretend music competition, the celebrity guests who will perform with the finalists on ‘X-Factor’ this weekend have been announced. They are Robbie Williams, George Michael and Michael Bublé. Unless Elton John drags George Michael off to rehab before then.

[I didn't write this. Andy Malt does not like to write about himself in the third person]

The BBC have released the long list from their Sound Of 2010 poll, the thing where the Beeb ask 136 music pundit types, including CMU Editor Andy Malt, for their hot musical tips for the year ahead. All the artists tipped have to be new, and not have had a Top 20 single or album before mid-November. A final list of five will be announced in the New Year.

This list has a long history of tipping at least a couple of the big new musical names of the following year. Andy CMU voted for two of the artists who have made it to the final long list. There’s a Quality Street chocolate for the first person to guess which two. Well, providing you guess before one of us eats it.

Daisy Dares You
Delphic
Devlin
The Drums
Everything Everything
Giggs
Gold Panda
Ellie Goulding
Hurts
Joy Orbison
Marina And The Diamonds
Owl City
Rox
Stornoway
Two Door Cinema Club

Good news, charity fans, Peter Kay is still at number one with his Children In Need-supporting single, ‘The Official Children In Need Medley’. Meanwhile, the uncharitable Rihanna moves up from four to two to sit behind him with ‘Russian Roulette’, and Lady Gaga shifts up from five to three with ‘Bad Romance’.

New in the top ten are Alicia Keys at eight and Timbaland at nine, who sit a long way from the chart’s other new entries this week, the first being 30 Seconds To Mars at 28 with ‘Kings And Queens’. After that, Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ makes its obligatory December re-appearance on the chart at 29, while The Pogues’ ‘Fairytale Of New York’ does the same at 31. N-Dubz are in at 32 with their Mr Hudson collaboration, ‘Playing With Fire’, and Lily Allen comes up last in the new entry stakes with ‘Who’d Have Known’ at 39.

Okay, that’s the singles done, I guess we’d better talk about albums. Well, one album, mainly. Because, yes, Susan Boyle is still at number one, and still selling copies of her album in such quantities that we’re able to quote impressive stats at you. She’s not, as far as I know, broken any more records this week, but she does now have the third best selling album of 2009, behind Kings Of Leon and Lady Gaga. Just to put that in perspective, Kings Of Leon’s ‘Only By The Night’ has been on the chart for 63 weeks, and Lady Gaga’s ‘Fame’ has been hanging around for 47 weeks, while Susan Boyle’s ‘I Dreamed A Dream’ has now shifted 700,000 copies in just two weeks.

This week when we shook Official Charts Company boss Martin Talbot awake for a quote, he was a little shorter with us than last week. I think the element of surprise has gone. Next time we’re going to jump out of a bush when he’s not expecting it. Anyway, he said: “Susan Boyle’s debut was historic and we expect ‘The Susan Boyle Effect’ to be felt in the charts for a long time to come yet”.

There are other albums in the Top 40, though. Surprising as it may seem. 39 of them, in fact. Some of them are new entries, and it is they that I will tell of you now. Come hither…

At two, Westlife have scored their twelfth top ten album, ‘Where We Are’. After them, Take That are at three with ‘The Greatest Day: The Circus Live’. At thirteen, the Coldstream Guards Band are new with ‘Heroes’, Andrea Bocelli, with his Christmas album, ‘My Christmas’, is in at eighteen, and Rhydian claws his way in at 25 with ‘O Fortuna’.

The charts are laid out on the floor, then blown away by someone opening the door several times, before being glued down by The Official Charts Company.